I know you ain’t here but I figure one graveyard’s much like another and I wanted to talk with you so I come here. It’s a year today and I cain’t say it’s been a great year but it ain’t been a bad one neither. It’s jes’ been.
I read your diaries. I know you won’ mind. You even said in one of ‘em the reason you wrote it was so’s some day I could read it. I liked that. Just know that you are loved and you were born of love. There’s no need to worry or wonder about that. You remember writin that? First few months I read that ever’ day, over’n’over. Made me feel special. Two people loved me. Even if one wasn’ my daddy.
I was relieved ‘bout that, tell the truth. You an’ me, we both know daddy wasn’ much of a man. Makes it easier to keep on hatin him when he ain’t real kin.
But then there’s you, momma.
I don’ mind that daddy ain’t my daddy. I don’ mind you cheatin on him. But thing is, you lied to me, too. Everthin in that diary of yours, everthin ‘bout fallin in love and me bein born of love, it’s all a lie, ain’t it?
You should of known your baby girl would grow up obstinate, jes’ like you. Tell me not to do a thing an’ I’m like to break my neck doin’ it. Don’t wonder about that. Well, of course I was gonna wonder. It’s 3759 miles from Berea to Crieff, from home to the place I was conceived. An’ that’s where I went. Lived where you lived. Met the folks you met.
Checked the stories from your diary.
An’ none of ‘em’s true.
Why? Why tell me my daddy was one of your friends when he wasn’? I met them, and theys nice folks an’ all, but not daddy material. So I dug deeper. An’ I found him. My daddy. Yeah, I met him. Liked him a whole bunch, too. I understand myself better, knowin him. Impulsive. Cranky. Yeah, that’s me, that’s him. Us.
But thing is, momma, he died a month ago. An’ it was only after he died I found out who he really was. So I found my daddy but never got to tell him, an’ that hurts. Real bad. Had him, lost him. All because you lied. Before I was even born you was lyin to me. Shit, I been lied to all my life.
So here’s the deal. I love you. I always will. But at the same time, in the same thought, I’ll always hate you. You give me a daddy an’ you took him away, an’ I’ll be alone rest of my life cos of that. Because, if I cain’t trust you, who can I?
So I’ll see you, momma. Burn a little in hell for me. But not too much. Jes’ enough to feel what I feel.