What these tablets are used for
Used in combination, these three capsules target moderate to severe levels of ennui. This recommended dose alters your short, ample frame to resemble your chosen celebrity: John Travolta (circa 1977).
What you need to know before taking
- It’s common to experience heightened states of scepticism after purchasing alternative self-help drugs online. The risk increases if you recall other escape plans you have flushed down the toilet recently. Suspicions will disappear when the cleft chin develops in the bathroom mirror.
- Pregnancy and breast-feeding – if you haven’t had sex since your ex-boyfriend six years, three months, and two weeks ago, please proceed to the following sections. This is one of your few concerns right now.
How to take
These capsules can be taken with or without food. It’s obvious which option you’ll choose.
For a walk with greater swagger, swallow these drugs with your own self-prescribed medicine: vodka shots used to stun the pain every time your mother calls you Alice: your sister’s name.
Possible side effects
- In exceptional cases, users may suffer a short-term predilection for white flared suits. This should pass.
- Nausea, insomnia, palpitations, weight gain are nothing new. Accept these are part of your life now, with or without these drugs.
- Some users acquire wholly unrealistic expectations. These might include the belief your younger sister will cease to relay the importance of her life through Instagram and find time to visit you. Or the futile hope that fantasies are reciprocated. Please note, the pharmacist has no problem forgetting your smile. She will only ever call out your name when handing over a prescription.
If you forget to take
- Don’t strut along crowded city pavements. You make few social appearances as it is. The enjoyment of this one will be short-lived and you may experience an increased sensitivity to insults from strangers regarding this walk.
- Don’t torture yourself with thoughts that this forgetfulness is early onset dementia. Report these worries to your doctor. Again. And again.
- Don’t dwell on how different life would be if you’d taken Alice’s advice about the care home. It’s only part of the reason you’re no longer close. It’s not why your ex cheated on you with his work colleague. Nor is it a lame excuse for those friends who still speak to him but don’t text you. Not everyone cradles loyalty in their hands.
- Do continue to clip your mother’s toenails, set her hair in curlers, guess the murderer together in repeated Frost episodes, hold her when the disease steals another memory, promise she’ll see Alice soon. Though Alice never visits anymore.
- Do sing More Than A Woman in a voice hollowed of all the joy that filled your mother’s songs years ago when you were the child – when hope, like your sister, was never a stranger.